Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I’m confused about plants
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword