I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.