No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.