They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
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Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
What an awful time to have common sense.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants