I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
The happy life.. 😊
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.