Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
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*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave