I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
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Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Lmfaoooooo
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.