Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

The French word for sex is croissant.

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

The second world war should have been called world war returns

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

“Theirye’re” problem solved