My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
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*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.