@browneyegirl9

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

@Midgetspar

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

@claire_mudie

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

@kimwilliamz

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

@Alex_N_Chains

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

@SlabBaconBP

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

@Elifcello

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

@mrt1m

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

@mom_tho

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it