My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.


Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.


My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?


The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.


Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.


As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.


Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.


At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.


no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it