i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
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Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.