i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.