If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
You Might Also Like
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.