therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
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My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.