Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
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I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I didn’t realize that was an option
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts