WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
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lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!