I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p