I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
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Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so