I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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no regrets
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.