no regrets
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.