It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
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If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5