Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
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*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
This is hilarious….
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
“The Perfect Relationship”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.