A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
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How times have changed.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Word!
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Can Happiness buy money?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning