“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
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Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.