The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
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[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet