What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.