They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
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God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.