Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Batman v Dracula
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
best review i’ve ever seen
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.