How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
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What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers