My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
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Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Steam Forums
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles