I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
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Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.