best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
See..?
.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything