If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
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As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me