daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
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Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.