Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
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If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.