I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
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Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
your honor my client chooses dare
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.