What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
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If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
spicy snake
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My dog learned how to text
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Skills
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch: