I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.