Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
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my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned