[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
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[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
We like the way Dwight thinks