[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
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at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.