“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
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I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
watergate? u mean a dam??
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
The three genders
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.