[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it