Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
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I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Self-cleaning conscience
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
c’mon!
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.