My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
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[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
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Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff