“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
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Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H