Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
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Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.