Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
You Might Also Like
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.