All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
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Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.