My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
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Morning.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
That’s not how days work.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
i’m still crying at this
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is