I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
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My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
where’s Godzilla when we need him
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
That’s not how days work.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.