@thedad

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

You Might Also Like

@SteelCityDawn

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

@DanteEvilCat

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

@QwertyJones3

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

@Proxic0n

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

@djdarrellripley

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?