Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
BaD BoY!!
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
The government even made aliens boring
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
A drum solo but on your face.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about