Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
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My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
*cough*
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
house sitting!
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee