I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
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She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?